"My flesh and my heart may fail...

...but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Can you believe it? I'm updating twice within the same week! Go me!

But I feel this update is more of a vent session about myself. About my ridiculous spirit that has taken over recently. About the bitterness, hatred, and negativity that has built up in my spirit lately and wreaked havoc.

I don't feel the need to explain the entire situation because I don't feel it would help anyone better understand the situation. Also, I'm pretty sure it would also stir up more sinful emotions in me that are already pretty difficult to ignore. Many of you (because so many read this) probably already know exactly what I am referring to.

Today was the breaking point. It pushed me past the point of trying to ignore it, and toward the point of blatantly sinning. I stewed in one of my classes today, focusing on nothing past this topic, and came out in the worst mood ever. It was all downhill from there. Then I get home, complain to my roommate for a while, and stew even longer.

Then I get online and read the blog of a person that I've never even met. She talked about taking thoughts captive before they take you captive! That was like an arrow through the heart! I have let these thoughts take root in my mind and they were growing into a horrible, tangled mess. And now here I sit diving into the Word to sort all this out.

No specific verse was coming to mind so I go to the concordance in my Bible, which by the way is in Spanish (so then I go pull out my Spanish-English dictionary to find out how "bitterness" translates into Spanish)...and I go to the first verse I see. Psalms 73. So I start reading it, first thinking that this is NOT what I need to hear. And then I get to verse 21. Here's what I read:

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by your right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 21-26.

How ignorant of me to focus on this silly thing for so long. My flesh and my heart will ALWAYS fail, but God will ALWAYS be the strength of my heart forever. You can rest on that fact, my friends!

Tests, tests, and more tests

My goal is to update this blog once a week. As you can tell, that's one goal I am currently not meeting. Oh well, I think only two people read this anyways. So here's my update.

My life for the past couple of weeks (I think saying months would be a lie) has consisted of studying for two tests that I have to take in order to graduate and get my license to eventually practice as a Speech Pathologist.

Test #1: PASS!!! Woo-hoo! (this one is in order to graduate from Baylor)
Test #2: Completed!!! Woo-hoo! I took that one today and won't know my scores for about a month.

Test #2, called the Praxis, was much harder than anticipated. Darn Speech Science! But as long as I passed, I don't really care!

And I can give you a job update too...I don't have one! I am working hard at it, though. I have been offered a job with a company out of California. Once I sign a "non-binding" contract (which I really need to remember to fax on Monday...anyone feel free to remind me), then they will begin looking for a job placement for me...in Texas. Scary thought right there! I have an interview at the end of May for job in a school system outside of Little Rock. We'll see how that goes. And I have applied to another school system, but haven't heard back from them yet. I have at least three more places to apply. That can be on tomorrow's to-do list. And my mother is constantly on the hunt for more jobs for me.

So now that those tests are complete, it's time to focus on finals. And then packing...with lots of crying!...and getting rid of things. I have so much accumulated junk from the last 5 years! It will be interested to see what I find.

Leaving Waco is going to be pretty hard on me, so feel free to keep me in your prayers. My specific prayer has been that I will enjoy every minute I have left here, and then that I will be blessed with good friends back in AR (besides Joanna, I've already been blessed with her for...9 years? Wow, time sure does fly!)

Anything specific prayer needs you guys have?

I am currently listening to my roommate belt out a song, which is a usual occurrence these days. If not her, it's me. But it's times like these I wish I could put on hold. I would pull out the camera, but it will only hold so many minutes and it cannot capture the perfectness of this moment. Any other time, I would probably be whining that I need to study for my comps test. But I know what's coming in just a few weeks so I gladly listen.

I am trying with every fiber of my being to live in the present. I want to be a sponge for the next few weeks. Enjoying life to the very last drop. But then I have to ask myself: why didn't you do this for the last 5 years? I knew college was short, and I found out quickly oh-so-sweet. However, I was too busy thinking of the future to focus on the blessings of the now.

Now I sit, becoming an emotional wreck every time I think of leaving, of not seeing beloved friends every day, of not being able to walk out my door and walk just a few feet to my see my best friends. But where does this get me? Nowhere, that's where!

So for the next however many weeks I will cry and hug a lot, but I will not miss out on any more moments. I will not worry about what I'm going to do this summer, whether I will find a job, whether I will live with my parents or move out, whether I will travel elsewhere... There's just too many unknowns that I am making myself miserable.

So, before I go to bed, dream of muscles of mastication, and wake up to another day of studying (or cramming...I cannot decide if I'm at that point or not), I promise to myself that I will live in every single second of this beautiful destiny that I am traveling. Hold me accountable, people. I need it.